When Tess and her brother were actual young, God was the best agitative affair they knew. They thanked Him for bread, for fruit, for meat, in prayers accomplished by their grandparents. Their grandmother, who should accept been an actress, told them, with affecting emphasis, acceptance from the Bible. Moses, the little boy who had been adored by a princess, became their hero. In the morning, they began to adore the atom they had already detested, for it became the Red Sea. They beggared the amnion for the Jews and bankrupt them afresh in adjustment to asphyxiate the Egyptians. But the best agitative allocation of the fable came area Moses outdid the Egyptian magicians, affliction for scourge, affliction for plague. That would appearance them they couldn’t meddle with one who had God on his side!
Ah, if they, the children, abandoned had God on their side! What amazing tricks they could perform! How abashed the adults would be afresh to blanket their desires, their will, on the children’s added desires, on their will to do otherwise! There were too abounding adults in their grandparents’ house, area their mother, who worked, had confused afterwards the afterlife of their father. Their ancestor and the other, abate home were abysmal in the commotion of those added lives, this movement up and bottomward stairs, this acquisition of taller bodies about the abate ones. The aunts and uncles were active with school, with jobs, with clothes, with parties, with the newest ball steps, boy friends, babe friends. They admired to gossip. They admired the pianola, and the victrola, and the radio and the car. They accounted about anybody they knew. And aback Tess asked one of her aunts area her ancestor was, she artlessly stared at the babe in embarrassment. Tess’s brother, two years younger, waited with her for the answer. “Why. . . he’s away,” her aunt said, impatiently, guiltily, as admitting she had comatose him.
“And aback is he advancing back?”
She brushed the accouchement off, told them to eat their supper or go axial or alfresco or artlessly to bed.
“I know,” Tess told her brother one day. “He’s dead.”
“I’m not activity to die,” arise her brother.
“Oh yes you will.”
“No. I’ll be like Moses. Moses didn’t die. I’ll be a rabbi. I’ll apperceive how not to die. I’ll be afterpiece to God than anyone. . . .”
What can I be? Tess wondered, helplessly. It aback occurred to her that there was no accretion in abundance for a girl, no arising, no escape. A babe could become annihilation but a mother. Conceivably I could ally a rabbi, she thought, or I could become admiral of Hadassah. No. . . she thought. . . No. . . .
Tess and her brother began to abstraction Hebrew. Why he was acceptance was bright abundant to her. But, abreast from the actuality that she admired to watch the handsome shy face of the tutor, she did not see how the acquaint activated to her. Could she be Bar Mitzvah? She grew addicted of the tutor, grew addicted of the Hebrew characters. But she gave up Hebrew and anon forgot it.
When her grandmother gave the accouchement balmy milk in glasses, Tess would sometimes brainstorm that she saw Hebrew belletrist larboard by the milk on the abandon of the glass. If abandoned they could be deciphered! She advised them closely. They were conceivably a bulletin to her alone, from the Infinite, herself the abettor of God.
“What are you attractive at?” her brother would ask.
“Oh nothing. . .” and Tess, accoutrement the glass, would alcohol her milk quickly. It was a bulletin to herself, alone, she was sure, alike if she did not accept it. She watched everywhere for signs. Surely article would arise some day.
_____________
At about the time her brother entered the Talmud Torah to abstraction Hebrew for two hours afterwards accessible academy anniversary day, Tess gave up Sunday school. She had never been too adherent to it, preferring to comedy in the street, in the garden, or in her room. Her mother was annoyed. Her grandmother befuddled her head: “The babe is growing up afterwards religion,” she said, from the abysmal cave of aching aural her.
Tess’s grandmother knew abundant heights of action and base of despair. Celebrations and amateur begin her blessed as a adolescent with the music and acceptable things and, in the case of parties or holidays, the bathrobe up. But the calamity of death, the shock of sacrilege, begin her depressed above restoration. Already she showed Tess a thermometer-like article blind alfresco the advanced door. “That,” she said, “is a mezuzah. If you should anytime ally addition who is not Jewish, I will accept to booty it down.” Tess was addled by the responsibility, and anon acquainted able of accessible betrayal. Tess’s mother was abashed to acquaint the grandmother that the babe would not go to Sunday school; and on holidays, there was consistently a attack to get her to the synagogue. “You charge go,” her mother would say, “or Grandma will be hurt.”
Tess did not like the synagogue. The annual was incomprehensible, decidedly afterwards she had abandoned Hebrew. But alike afore she forgot, it was difficult to chase the aimless blubbering of the congregation, which never seemed to be accomplishing the aforementioned affair at the aforementioned time. There was consistently a buzz, a swaying, a moaning, and in the women’s balcony, area Tess had to be, there were indrawn breaths, sobs, tears, the aroma of perspiration, fainting. Tess would animate herself with the anticipation that she was cutting a new accouterments for the occasion. She scanned the shawled backs of the macho aggregation bottomward below, analytic for handsome adolescent men. They were not too calmly discerned amidst the yarmelkes. Sometimes she glanced adjoin the decrepit bottle window at her left; the colors seemed admirable to her, the dejected and gold and scarlet. The axial amount was that of Moses. She approved to anticipate of Moses, approved to anticipate of God. But the faculty of them drifted away, drowned in a assortment of prayer.
Yet, for all her irreligiousness, she anticipation of God. She could not advice cerebration of Him. He seemed to be with her aback she prayed at night, to beleaguer her, watching, promising. She had to accept a father, and God was her father. She batten to Him carefully at night, asked Him to admission assertive wishes. The caliginosity of caliginosity flew over the beam as she dreamed her conversations with God. The faculty of Him flowed into, met the faculty of added things. . . . He affiliated not abandoned the adulation she had acquainted for her father, but additionally the acceptance she had imbibed with bogie tales . . . that miracles were possible, that there was a bogie godmother. . . .
“Make me beautiful, please, baby God,” she would say. “I adulation you, God,” she would add, abashed He ability anticipate she would accord annihilation in exchange.
But admitting she prayed afore her mother’s big mirror, and bargain her arch in her arms, to accommodate God with an befalling for hasty her, she begin no amazing change appear over her face. Conceivably this is not the time, she would acquaint herself. Perhaps, if I accumulate on praying. . . .
_____________
She acclimated to dream of photographs. The photographs were all taken aback her ancestor was alive, and usually he was in them. While, in her dream, she watched them, the figures—her mother, her brother—would move, laugh, kiss and be kissed, and the copse would blinking afresh with the summer breeze, and the aroma of trees, abounding candied beginning flowers, would blanket her. . . and she would re-enter the photograph, acting in it as she had already acted, running, laughing, and absent to stay. Often, at night, abandoned in her room, she would arid at the annual of her ancestor that stood on the dresser. It looked so abundant like him. How could it attending so abundant like him? She would lower her arch and adjure to God to accomplish it speak, to accomplish the eyelids move and the beef become warm, article to be touched.
“Is there a God?” she asked her mother one night, at the age of twelve.
“Of course,” her mother said.
“Of course,” Tess’s brother afresh solemnly. “You should go to shul added often. It would accompany you afterpiece to God.”
Tess envied him, that he could feel so sure, could feel himself so close. But then, he was the one who did things the appropriate way—even his piano-playing. “You comedy too fast, too loudly,” they told Tess. “So gentle, such a bendable touch,” they would say of her brother.
Why he was consistently so good, why he was never as abashed as she, Tess could not understand. He was alike added thrifty than she, extenuative pennies and altogether money until he had abundant sums. “What will you do with all your money?” Tess asked him aback he absitively to alpha a coffer account.
“Why, I’ll advice Mother, of course,” he said gravely, cartoon himself up, and attractive at her with what she anticipation was an accusing eye. She knew she was a spendthrift, but she could not advice herself. There was so abundant she wanted.
_____________
Tess was affronted by her brother’s incriminating glance. How could he appropriately abode himself alfresco her, judging? How could he set her alfresco her adulation for him? She had consistently admired him dearly. Although he was abandoned two years adolescent than she, he had consistently been her little brother, artlessly absorbed to be small, so that he was babyish-looking for a continued time. For a continued time, he had ample atramentous aglow eyes with coiled lashes; his beard was a accumulation of atramentous ringlets; his cheeks were rosy; he had his father’s coloring. Back infancy, it seemed, he had been her accommodating accomplice in games.
Although eventually he grew abashed of her, abashed of the actuality that she was thriftless, not acceptable at arithmetic, aloof in religion, had agrarian hair, was actual thin, not pretty, and wrote poetry, for a continued time they played calm added than they played with added children. They played basketball in the aback yard, below a timberline one of their uncles had adapted with a basket. They active “treasure”—bits of atramentous glass, some adopted coins, a argent bells bandage begin on the sidewalk. They bargain a bassinet from the attic bottomward the stairwell to the arena floor, and abounding the bassinet with “provisions” baseborn from the pantry. They acted out an amaranthine drama, that of “Joe and Gertie,” a brace consistently complex in some alien situation. Sometimes Gertie was a princess, and sometimes she was a witch. Already Tess was Gertie-the-dancing-girl, while her brother, built-in cross-legged on the bed, was a decidedly infantile-looking pasha, alleged Joe.
Now, whether her brother associated her with infancy, with his littleness, or with the base actuality that they were added affectionate with anniversary added than were best brothers and sisters, he began, as he approached accessible academy graduation, and his Bar Mitzvah, his advancing of age, his manliness, to agitate her off with added or below indignation.
“Why do you consistently accept to blow me?” he would say, activity off.
When she was ill and asked him to breach axial and comedy with her, he became actual angry. “I appetite to go alfresco and play,” he said. Article was authoritative him cruel.
Something additionally was dent him down. The round, cherub-like face had developed paler, thinner. The aflame atramentous ringlets had been replaced by a wet collapsed accumulation of hair. He wore billowing knickers and abundant socks. He shined his shoes grimly every evening. His easily confused in a apprenticed fashion. His eyes grew attenuated and a little bloodshot. He was consistently in his room, studying.
“That’s a mensch for you, eh?” her grandmother would comment, as, with affected compression of the lips, he helped abolish the banquet dishes from the table.
“What’s the amount with you?” her mother would ask. “Why don’t you help?”
“She’s absent again,” Tess’s grandmother would say. “Stop dreaming; area will it get you?”
And her youngest aunt, consistently added analytical than the others, would say, “There’s no acumen why she should sit actuality while anybody abroad helps.”
Tess fabricated a badge cruise to the kitchen, but she capital to run away. She ran abroad to the protests aural herself. There was article above what they said, and she could not get to it. There was article above appearances, and she abandoned sensed it, and could not accomplish them acquainted of it.
There is a appropriate way that is not the credible way, she told herself. Aural her there was a burden of questions.
_____________
What was God? Did she not faculty Him watching, admitting He had no eyes, listening, alive her, admitting He did not speak? Something, at any rate, amidst her, admitting she could not accurately call it. It was close, afterpiece to her than her mother or alike her father, who had died. It lived aural her. . . and sometimes she acquainted like singing Its song. . . .
“God is a man,” a little boy had already said to her, scornfully, in an attack to explain the asperity of the sexes. But God the man was extraordinary to Tess. Moses the man and Jacob the man, but not God.
She capital to be able to accept Him; if not to see Him, afresh to apperceive area He was. She had been presented with a account of heaven as article added or below like strata, a band like marble, aerial up, away. She would lie on the grass in the garden sometimes, and attending up through the sky, aggravating to bore a shifting, aqueous blue. Was it dejected aloft dejected aloft blue, then, and annihilation to angle on?
It was a cutting star, actual abutting to earth, that fabricated her flutter berserk that night of her twelfth year. Would the apple burn; would the sun absorb it? And her eye’s too?
She acquainted awfully abandoned She ran to her brother to acquisition him and brooch him, but her brother had a apprehensive face, abashed at the anticipation of love. She ran to him to accomplish his blow affect the alarm in her bones. But he did not accept her fear. He was in the ample kitchen watching their mother adamant one of his shirts. “Let me do the rest,” he said, continuing suddenly.
She glanced from one to the other, and afresh at her grandmother. She abandoned capital to blow her brother, the balmy hand. “What’s the amount with you?” he asked, in distaste, as she stood beside him. “Leave me alone.” He befuddled off her arm, and began to adamant furiously.
Did none of them faculty the alarm in her? Did her grandfather, blurred there in the corner, bisected comatose over a prayerbook? He was consistently praying. What did he pray?
Her grandmother offered her a cup of tea. There was always, in emergencies, a cup of tea. Perhaps, anticipation Tess, she feels article is wrong. A cup of tea, she thinks, will deliquesce it.
“You are growing up,” her grandmother commented, attractive at Tess. “You’re a attractive girl. You’ll accept a nice figure. You’ll get married, accept babies. . . .”
Her grandfathering had collapsed asleep, arch back, and was snoring. “What a racket,” her grandmother said, in disgust.
The grandmother’s abhorrence with the grandfathering was undisguised. Back he had bootless in business, developed deaf, asthmatic, and heavy-featured, she had little use for him. He acclimated to, afterwards dinner, angular asthmatic adjoin the cafe in the dining room, wheezing, aggravating to bolt his breath, clutching the atomizer. As she anesthetized him, on the way to the kitchen, Tess’s grandmother, in tones of complete loathing, would hiss, “Dumb ox!”
Yet, it was consistently a adherent moment, when, on Saturday nights, he captivated a bottle of shnapps in his duke for the all-powerful prayer, and afresh cloudburst it into a dish, set blaze to it. Tess, who had to be present with her brother, admired to watch. She was absorbed by the dejected blaze addled like a dancer’s skirt. Such a rapid, capricious dance!
_____________
And it was additionally important to be present aback her grandfathering led the Passover service. . . although abandoned her grandmother absolutely seemed to listen. Dressed, traditionally, in white, her grandmother listened, alert not so abundant to the praying one as to the prayer. The grandfathering seemed a all-important vehicle, a macho mouthpiece. There were assertive things that abandoned men were declared to do.
As for the blow of the family, it was adamantine for Tess to apperceive whether they absolutely heard what was chanted. Surely they had their eyes on the Haggadah, and thumbed the pages and knew area the abode was, and sang: “One Abandoned Kid. . .” but how could the adventure of the Exodus assume like annihilation to them, aback their expressions did not change, except to lighter ones, aback they never sighed nor wept, but abandoned affronted the pages as admitting it were the affair that had to be done?
They were a black group, Tess, in her fifteenth year, thought, seeing them built-in about the table, hollow-faced, leaden-eyed, advised bottomward by the acerbity of something, abashed to smile aloof yet. They biconcave their fingers in wine, counting the plagues. They bankrupt matzos, ate the absinthian herb. Aback there was a abeyance in the adoration two aunts began to gossip.
Tess’s brother stood up and apprehend the four questions. “Wherefore is this night altered from all added nights?”
Because Grandma is dressed in white, Tess thought.
Her brother had been Bar Mitzvah recently. The grandmother nodded approvingly, smiling.
One uncle looked out of the window. Another affronted his shoelace. Tess sat abreast the two eldest. They leaned their active together, and one said, “Let’s go out afterwards, hmm?”
Tess’s mother looked at her in annoyance. “Why don’t you read?” she asked.
“It’s a arid story,” Tess told her, not acceptation that exactly.
Tess’s mother opened her eyes actual wide, as she did aback she was angry. “I can’t accept your attitude adjoin religion,” she said. “Why, I’ve done aggregate a mother. . . .”
“Shhh. . .” warned the grandmother. The earlier uncle had gone out to the anteroom to accessible the aperture for Elijah. Tess glanced adjoin the abandoned bottle of wine in the centermost of the table.
“Now watch,” grinned one of the aunts, “see if he takes a sip.”
A algid animation of air entered. The apparent of the wine trembled, and Tess thought: perhaps, conceivably . . . and apprenticed her easily actual adamantine below the table.
But the anteroom aperture shut clamorously, and her uncle formed back, laughing, “Well, did he come?”
Tess arose at her bench and began to leave. “Wait,” said her mother, “where are you going? Grandpa isn’t accomplished yet.”
“I can’t accept any more,” Tess said, walking out.
Her mother, active afterwards her, took authority of her shoulder. “You can’t do this. Anticipate of Grandma!”
“Think of me! I can’t listen. I can’t accept any of it! It’s not my religion!”
“Stella . . .” her grandmother called.
“I’ll say you had a headache,” her mother said hastily. “It would breach Grandma’s affection if she knew. Why do you act this way? Don’t you accept in God?”
Tess went into her allowance and lay down. She wept and tossed about, exhausted at the pillow and tore at its edges. I capital God to appear to me, she thought. . . . If you are there why don’t you come? she whispered. Why don’t you accord me a sign, why don’t you acquaint me as you told David, Abraham, Moses? Area are you? Area are your miracles?. . . If I the will I apperceive you?
She capital to die and not die. She capital to leave her body. Her anatomy was a angle to accumulate her from knowing. Why was she consistently apprenticed by animation and pain?
She approved to blot herself inward, authority herself tight, abate herself to an essence, a dot. The final animation exhausted adjoin her ribs. Her affection was loud with warning. She heard it close, too close. And then, as she captivated her animation for the longest span, she anticipation her affection was about to be lost. She thought: conceivably it won’t appear back. . . . And she was afraid.
Had she about heard then? Or was it the wind abrasion the leaves adjoin her window or a sparrow aerial adjoin the glass?
_____________
That spring, the bounce of her fifteenth year, Tess chock-full activity to the abbey altogether. Her mother was angry, threatened, scolded, urged, pleaded, approved to accomplish Tess feel actual guilty. Tess did feel guilty. What had she done to them?
She was never with the ancestors any longer. Aback she sat with them at meals, she never heard what they were saying, accepting aloof to some hidden coil of complete solitude. “The babe doesn’t apprehend well,” her, grandmother would say.
“God is backbreaking you,” her mother would whisper.
Burdened with guilt, Tess let herself be kissed by her grandmother afore the earlier woman larboard for the abbey on Yom Kippur morning. Dressed in her best clothes, cutting a fur stole, smelling of eau de cologne and powder, the grandmother said, “Goodbye.” Always, back she was a child, Tess had been afraid to apprehend this goodbye. “Where is Grandma going?” she had asked.
“She is activity to ask God to absolve her for all her sins,” Tess’s mother had answered.
At the end of summer, on Yom Kippur, in her fifteenth year, Tess anesthetized some of the aggregation aggregate alfresco the synagogue. They were patting their faces. They had appear out for air. Inside, in the women’s balcony, Tess knew, the air was airless with diaphoresis and sobs.
Tess glimpsed her brother continuing alfresco with an uncle. Her brother was abnegation with the others. How appreciative of himself, and how abounding of disapproval he would be, she knew, aback she saw him at night! She averted her face and absolved rapidly, regretting accepting taken this artery for her stroll. Area was she going? She did not know. But aback she begin herself running.
Running, there seemed to be a alarming in her that would neither acceleration nor be quelled. What am I active from? she thought. But she knew it was them, that army alfresco the synagogue. As in dreams, she acquainted their acerbity following; as in dreams aback they approved to cull her bottomward from the sky into which she leaped.
She ran appear the bay, the blooming copse of the park, the sunlight; the air, spun with pollen and earth.
_____________
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